My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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