I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
