How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
