so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
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Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
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Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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