I can text with my tongue
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
