I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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