I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
