Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
