Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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