You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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