I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
