This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
you didnt know i had herpes?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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