Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
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Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
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Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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