My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
