I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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