I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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