Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
