can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
