Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
