Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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