So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
