My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
