So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
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You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
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I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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