she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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