Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
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I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
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Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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