I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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