i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
