This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
