So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
