I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
