i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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