I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
