Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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