I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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