why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Just high enough for therapy.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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