is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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