Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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