My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
