No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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