Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
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