i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
