How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
