DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
