I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
