Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
