I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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