If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
