Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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