It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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