omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
