I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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