i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
