My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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