Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Randomize
