I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
bring money and cleavage
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
