i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
