we're chasing vodka with high fives
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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