Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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