"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
